What to do when you have a Dark Lord after you!
by TurtleJesus
Summary: Adopted from Maneden. Harry is bored after the war, so deciding to do some cleaning, he discovers one of Ron's old school items. This item will change his life forever, this item gives him the inspiration he needs. Extreme Coarse Language and some sexual themes that according to the ratings guide would make this M rated. Goody. Also some mentions of minor characters. R&R.Lockhart
1. Chapter 1

_**A.N: Okay people, the first 3 chapters are done by maneden after that it will be me and I will update in the next few days. Also check out the first chapter of my Breaking Bad/ Bible crossover Baking BRead**_

Harry James Potter was bored, scratch that he was completely and utterly dead to the world. Lying upside down on the couch, legs swinging, blood rushing to his head and his eyes lidded. In fact, Dolores Umbitch and the greasy headed git, Snape, could be snogging right in front of him and he would if anything become even more disinterested. Or maybe just choke to death from the potential downpour of vomit trying to force itself out of his mouth. Imagine that, The-Boy-Who-Lived, Defeater of Voldemort, killed by Spew. Maybe Hermione's elfish rights group would get a raise in followers from Harry Potter Haters, there sure were a lot of them, maybe he should have not pissed of so many people in his short life. However, that is not the point, the point being that he was going crazy, bonkers, out of his mind with boredom.

The war had ended a mere two weeks ago, Harry being the Hero he was, defeated Voldemort with a second year spell, then promptly passed out whilst yelling 'gotta catch them all'. Yes, maybe the rumours of him being delusional have some fact. Afterall, all great wizards were crazy, Dumbledore with his sweets, Voldemort with his plain insanity and even Luna Lovegood with her mythical creatures. Since then, Harry was practically proclaimed a God among mere mortals, an emperor among men, or as Luna would say, a crumple-horned snorkack among nargles. Sure, it was entertaining at first, I mean who doesn't like a fan base, free gifts and best of all naked photos of girls. Muggles didn't know what they were missing out on, I mean being able to carry what was practically a porn video on a piece of paper is pretty amazing. Anyway, after about a week of it Harry was sick of it, it was the same bag of steaming hippogriff shit every time. First was the ridiculously high expectations, then the disappointment, then praise and finally congratulations and meaningless words on how they knew you could do it all along.

Eventually, Harry had done a runner straight to Grimmuald Place where he had laid bored all week with nothing to do. Afterall, he had never expected to live, let alone defeat Voldemort, so he had never really looked at what he wanted to do afterwards. Ron had gone to join the aurors whilst Hermione when to get a private tutelage under McGonagall for two years before taking over as the Transfiguration teacher. So Harry with a heavy sigh, righted himself and started to walk out the room, maybe he should clean this grim old place.

Firstly, was his and Ron's old room, getting there he saw it as in worse condition then he thought, somehow the whole room had the orange. Oh, wait, never mind it were just the tasteless posters of the Chudley Cannons around the room. Deciding to commit a mortal sin first, he turned the posters a much better colour in his opinion, yes; indigo was the way to go. Next, was under the beds, his was pretty much barren whilst Ron's was full of junk.

It was here that Harry made a very important discovery, one that could very well change the course of the Wizarding World. Staring at the prize in his hands he knew exactly what he was going to do. Afterall if the posturing ponce could do it why couldn't he? Yes, this is exactly what he was going to do with his life. Dropping the object on the bed, Harry ran off with new found life, leaving the copy of 'Magical Me' by Gilderoy Lockhart to be discovered several months later.

The day was bright and new, the birds were chirping and the roosters were crowing. All pointed towards a normal day except one thing, the biggest crowd ever seen in Diagon Alley waiting out front Flourish and Blotts eagerly. For there on their window was a sign that read:

Guest appearance of Harry Potter today

For release of his first book

Yes, Harry Potter had done it, he had written a book, what on? No one knew for sure except the man himself. This book was expected to be a number of things, from a defence guide to a love guidance book to a biography. What it was actually on would shock the world. At exactly eight o'clock the doors opened showing the crowd Harry Potter sitting at a desk in the back of a shop next to a copy of his book. There on a sign behind him in flashing pink and blue letters was the title of the book.

The crowd seeing the title were even more intrigued by the possibilities; they rushed forward, each hoping to get the first copy. It was one twenty year-old blond that got the book first and reached Harry Potter first so he could sign it. 'Hello' Harry asked amusingly, watching the chaos erupting around them, 'and what is your name?' he quirked up an eyebrow. 'L...L…Lisa, Mr, Potter' she stuttered, getting flushed from just talking to him. 'Here let me sign that for you' Harry said, plucking the book from her grasp and signing in just under the title, '_What to do when there is a dark lord after you'_.


	2. Foreword

Dear readers,

Undoubtedly many of you have picked up this book for reasons such as learning about my numerous adventures, others to learn defensive tricks and yet others to just say they have a read this book. To say you are wrong would be an understatement of humongous proportions. This book is none of these things, yes it may have a few accounts of my adventures, yes some defensive tricks but this book's main purpose is to tell the reader how I survived. What I done and who helped so other heroes may follow in my footsteps. Just why did I write this instead of many other things I could have written? The only reason being is that this is my life without the gory details, the real truth, the whole truth, in the hope that those who read it know exactly what happens and that future heroes don't gain delusions of grandeur.

Of course this book is not meant to be a sole guide to how to defeat a Dark Lord, or how to survive, merely my reactions and the others around me. In fact if you're looking for a guide of how to defeat a Dark Wizard you would have more luck looking through a Lockhart book. That being said, it was in fact Gilderoy Lockhart who was my inspiration in writing such a book. Even unaware of even his own name he is still affecting those around him. I can only hope that his pet peacock has been returned to full sanity by the Saint Mungo's staff after all he has seen and been done to him in his short life. I would actually declare said peacock's life comparable to the goats owned by Aberforth Dumbledore.

Continuing on, this story will encompass everything from greasy bats and manipulative old coots, to deranged house-elves and hot witches. In this book one may find great pick-up lines, last words, and information on what you should stay away from (for example Hagrid on a date). Now one may say that this book is completely useless, and for the most part I would be mostly inclined to agree. However this is a completely and unedited account of what happened. None of those stupid fantasies held by little girls or various acts of bravery that boys seem to worship. They say that you are your own biggest critic, and I couldn't agree more as this is a massive criticism on me.

Know a few things you need to know about Dark Lords before reading this great piece of literary art. First, all Dark Lords are melodramatic stuck-up gits that have daddy issues. This is something all opposes of Dark Lords need to know as it is there greatest weaknesses. Secondly, don't expect simple plans to kill you, they only care about long, detailed and theatrical plans. Thirdly, help comes from all shapes and forms, except Dumbledore's socks, those are just nasty. Lastly, remember the only difference between a Dark Lord and a Dork Lord is a stroke of a quill.

So read and enjoy, but above all try not to be a hero, the only good thing about it is the amount of hot girls that would do anything to get into your bed. Scary thing is, I swear that Millicent Bulstrode is one of them, I may not be a blood purest but I don't want troll blood in my family.

Regards, Harry J. Potter


	3. Piss your Pants

_**Chapter 1**_

_**Piss Your Pants**_

Okay, readers, the first thing you do when a Dork… ahem… I mean Dark Lord after you is Piss your pants. Now some of you will be thinking, how the hell would that help, but let me tell you, releasing control of your bowels is one of the most important things you could possibly do. Just take a second and think about it, when someone is deathly afraid (might just be dead soon enough) they just freeze up and release a yellow version of Niagara Falls, a less beautiful one at that. See, it is a perfectly reasonable and sane thing to do.

One reason why this may help is you are too busy being disgusted at yourself and trying to clean up that you conveniently forget all about your fear. In fact I reckon some of you may just start swearing at the Dark Lord for causing this problem (May I suggest my personal favourite of, You Inbreed wank stain of a bastard). Of course for some that language may seem a bit vulgar and you would just stick to Dork Lord or you could even make up your own that are personalised for your very own Dark Lord, for example, Mouldyshorts, Dark Lord Voldy or even Baldydork. All are perfectly ok.

Now, back to the main point of making your own apple juice factory (mmm… nice tang too it), one could say that pissing yourself after finding out a Dark Lord is after you proves that you aren't certifiably insane (Like a certain little pain in the ass I could mention). Of course I didn't piss myself when I learnt Voldemort was after me at the tender age of eleven. Well at least I don't think that's the reason I all of a sudden sprung a leak in my pipe. I believe it had more to do with the fact that a mammoth of a guy broke down our door on a little shack in the middle of the ocean during a rainstorm and said "that you Harry'. I thought for sure my Uncle had sold me online and I guy had come to pick up his package in person.

I have digressed again, the whole point of this chapter was to tell the poor bloke (you in case you didn't realise), that you should have to be cleaning your undies by now otherwise your siriusly (couldn't resist, one for you Padfoot you old mutt) screwed. Of course to have a Dark Lord after you already proves that Fate is already enthusiastically and quickly screwing you already. Think of your own piss as your fear, all of a sudden in a pleasant rush it is gone and leaving you oddly satisfied. Of course this may not work for everyone so some of you might have to go that little step further and drop a log. Just as effective but to some may seem a little bit overboard.

So to summarise this excellent, if I may so, chapter, When you are first told that a Dark Lord is after you, quickly and without haste release all bowel movements and place a terrified look on your face (Imagine a naked Umbitch shagging an equally naked Hagrid). Then, once recovered, repeatedly curse the Dark Lord with every single piece of foul language you know, then of course clean up. Don't want to have a new murky pond in the sitting room complete with sinking log.

_**A.N: So I'm sorry about the slow updates, I hope to update all stories within the next week. Hope this little chapter makes up for it. So I hope you appreciate this type of humour, but if you don't, each to their own. Can you pls review, anything from flames to complements, Comments to ideas, even just randomness that you think would fit into this story.**_


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